Thoughts and feelings

A Little Message From Me: Why I’ve been a little quiet lately!

I know it’s been a while since I wrote anything, and I apologise for that. There will be times perhaps where I do go quiet and not come on for a bit. But I actually do have a good reason at the moment for why things have been quiet. At first of course at the beginning of the pandemic things had gotten a little wacky, so I couldn’t think of what to write and the juices weren’t flowing. I think this pandemic has kind of messed a lot of people up, and many people haven’t been able to write much lately. However things were starting to look up for me, I started writing again and had a few ideas. I’ve got quite a few things in my drafts, although a bit worried they’ll just simmer and fade, as the ideas suddenly just drop away.

It’s always best to write when you’re in the mood and when ideas are fresh. Sometimes if you let things simmer for too long, you forget what you were going to write and lose that motivation to continue it. And I totally hate it when that happens. But recently I kind of lost the motivation to write, beause I lost my Grandma recently in the middle of November, on the 21st. She meant quite a lot to me, she’d helped take care of me as a baby. Went to see me in the hospital every day while I was incubated for three months as a baby. She spoiled us with toys, cuddles and was the typical Grandma. Things changed after she had a stroke when I was still young, but we stayed close. She was the glue to our family, and kept everyone strong. She was so positive and happy, and was most happiest around people. She loved company and having guests around, and always felt lonely when no one visited and would often ask why no one was coming to see her.

Eid day would be spent with her, we’d all go there first before anywhere else. On most Eid days her house would be the only house I’d visit. I didn’t have friends to visit that day, because my friends would have been busy with their families, I’d sometimes visit other family members if they were still in town that day and not visiting in laws, or family etc. Visiting her was the gravitational meeting point for the whole family first thing.

For the past three years she has been fighting sever ill health, going in and out of hospital. Three years ago, she’d had a major heart attack. How she survived is anyone’s guess, but the doctors had said she’d had a good, strong heart. She was a tough fighter. I spent those three years worrying and waiting for the day she would leave us, not knowing how things will change. And when the time came, in November I had this terrible feeling she wouldn’t make it. Not this time, and the fear and nausea stuck with me for the last three days she took her breath, with dread. I’m dreading what Eid will be like, how things will be different this time round. I’ve only been to the house once since she passed away, it wasn’t easy. All her equipment have been taken away now, and I dread to think how it will feel without her things there. I still miss her a lot.

My motivation to write hasn’t been so great since losing her, I’ve been emotional on some day, and good on others. I’m getting there slowly, I’m starting to laugh and smile again. My Grandma always said grief should be brief, that we can still miss people without having to feel sad all the time. She wouldn’t have wanted us to sit around crying and moping, she would have wanted us to be happy, to live life. So even though I miss her, I’m starting to try and be more happier and not cry. I don’t know how to explain what I mean, of course my heart still mourns for her, but I’ve had to learn to live with it. Live with the fact that she’s not here anymore, that she’s not coming back. It’s hard, but crying will only make me ill and my Grandma wouldn’t want me to make myself ill by wallowing in misery.

Despite trying to get on with life without her, no matter how hard it is. It will still mean that my writing may come slowly, and there may be a bit of a gap before things get posted. But I will try my best, and I hope the motivation will come back to me by next year at least. We’ll see how things go. I don’t know if I’ll keep this up, I might regret writing any of this later. But I needed to explain why I’ve been quite lately and apologise to you guys. I will try and do an end of year review thing, where I look back at the year just gone nearer the end of December. But I can’t make promises. Thanks for being patient with me. And I’ll speak to you all soon.

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